I was always afraid of what becoming a Mom would do to me. I see so often parents replacing their identities with the title of MOM or DAD. I had no interest in that. It is a true fear of mine. When I get involved, I truly do go for it. I was concerned I would become a Mother and let it consume me. I didn’t want that to happen, it wouldn’t bring me happiness long term. I need to maintain a strong sense of self to keep the inner peace. Nurturing my knowledge of me, is important. Being a Mom is a beautiful part of me, my favorite part. But there is more to me, there will always be more. I need to honor the more as much as I honor my new title of Mom.
As I grow, I find myself taking on so many new titles and sometimes desperately trying to keep them as titles and not identities. It’s hard to navigate maintaining my identity when so much change is happening. Is Ashley the same? No I am not lol Am I okay with being different… yes but its been an adjustment. I had done a large amount of soul searching and reflecting prior to getting pregnant. ( this is a never ending process) So I started my evolution before Ayana was even a concept. I had a lot of shit that I knew, I needed to work through BEFORE having a baby. Andre and I had made a conscious choice of looking inward and fixing all the things we realized needed mending. I think that prepped us and gave us a healthy foundation to start our family and elevate our own relationship. We have much better language to navigate hard times. Prior we were moving on instinct, love, transparency and pure will to succeed lmfao. Now we move with thoughtful language, love and intention ( mostly LOL). I am basically a new person lol it’s fucking weird.
Having a baby made me softer, more understanding, MORE open minded, more thankful, more at peace with myself, and I even got some fucking patience. I haven’t even touched on the physical changes. It’s insane, my body changed in many many many ways. It did things I couldn’t believe when carrying Ayana, and then did some more changing after she was born. It’s still changing 7 months out. Beginning of my pregnancy I was 140lbs, I hit 200lbs the day she was born. My boobs were so fucking large, like HUGE. Not even joking I was carrying around two cantaloupes on my chest. AWFUL 0/10. I didn’t even like my pregnancy. I didn’t enjoy being pregnant, like I hoped. Although I have to be appreciative of being at home in comfort during all my discomfort. And thankful to have gotten pregnant at all tbh. ANYWAYS-
THE TRAUMA OF DELIVERY!!! BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH that shit was real.
Things didn’t go so well for me and got very dangerous for Ayana. Andre was faced with tough decisions and I truly don’t know how he got through. ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE THE SAME AFTER THAT. He could have walked out of the hospital alone. But thankfully he walked out with his wife and baby girl. The trauma from birth gave me a HEAVY dose of reality. What is actually important, what is the ONE thing you hope for when you are at the point of losing it all. That shit made me softer, it made me more understanding. I give myself and other people slack now. Not a lot, but some.
Being good at caring for her is definitely something that I take very seriously and just makes me proud of myself. I never thought the general day to day care would be the enjoyable part of parenthood for me. Parenthood has thrown me for a loop to say the least. The love you feel for your child is something, I was not ready for. In my head I always knew, I’d fall in love with my child, especially once I got to know her. What I was not considering was the overwhelming love you have right from the second they are born maybe even sooner for some. But for me, seeing Ayana made me believe in love at first sight. She was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I mean that quite literally. The title of MOM is heavy for me to carry and right now I am trying to find my place, and my balance. I am maintaining my other relationships while staying consistent with maintaining me. a bitch is tired.
I have entered my charmeleon stage and felt like sharing.