There’s something about being by the lake that just settles me. Maybe it’s how the lake really does lower the temp at least 10 degrees Orrr maybe it’s simply being with my little family of four just us, no distractions. The chillness of the lake has a way of bringing clarity. It slows the world down just enough for me to notice the things I might otherwise miss.

Lately, I’ve been noticing Ayana more not just as my daughter, but as this little person who’s waking up to the world in her own way. It’s wild watching her gain more consciousness day by day. She’s really stepping into herself, forming opinions, asking questions, challenging things, and, of course, observing everything. Including me.

And that’s where my brain keeps going: What does she think of me?

It’s funny because I’ve never been the type to care much about how people see me. I’ve spent most of my life confidently not giving a damn a skill I’ve had to learn not to overuse as an adult. (Turns out, considering other people’s feelings and perspectives is a necessary part of being a decent human… who knew?)

But when it comes to my daughters, I think about it all the time. I hope they see me as kind. I hope they feel how much I support them. I hope they know without a doubt that I’m an endless source of love and comfort. And more than anything, I hope they recognize my effort. That even when I mess up (because I do, often), they see how much I care and how hard I try.

It’s funny, isn’t it? Caring so deeply about what a four year old thinks of me. But I do. Probably more than I’ve ever cared about anyone’s opinion. And I think that’s the gift of parenthood how it breaks us open and makes room for things we didn’t even know we were capable of feeling.